Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
