Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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