She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
you never un-have a 4some
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
