I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
