I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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