Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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