I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
