Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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