his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
why do cheetos always look like penises
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
