When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
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