i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
