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I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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