based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
