i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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