I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
