People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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