Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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