I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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