New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
