I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
