I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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