So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
