It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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