I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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