There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
