I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
