I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
