Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dicks are not precious.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
