just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
When are your genitals available?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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