he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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