I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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