So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
