Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
