There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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