I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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