He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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