Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
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I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
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Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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