You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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