the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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