so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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