maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
