He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
