Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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