apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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