i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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