I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
