I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
