I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
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