oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Everclear isn't food dammit
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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