I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
