We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
