Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
