I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
