Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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