I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i will never coherently bang her
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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