she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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