I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
