my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
