hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
