Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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