Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
